I’m sure most of us would have felt anxious at some point in our lives, when having to give a speech or perform in public, do an exam, or begin a new role. We call this performance anxiety, right? Often, the lead-up for such things can affect us just as much as the actual event. Often feelings of disappointment can follow after the event. We might ask why we even put our minds and bodies through such stress, time and time again. The butterflies, the fear of what might go wrong, the jelly legs, the dry throat, the mental blank and so on! Sound familiar? I have often struggled with performance anxiety in relation to speaking and playing or singing in public – before, during and after the event and many times asked myself why I put myself through it! 🙂

Performance anxiety is just one form of anxiety. Mental challenges such as anxiety are on the rise.  Anxiety has a huge impact on our world and has affected my life a great deal. There are plenty of things around to stress us out and stir in us feelings of fear or unease, and without a great deal of help and insight, some of us can get really buried under it all.  I’ve named this little blurb “Living UNDER Anxiety” – because, rather than offering any quick fixes (there are none!), I wanted to talk about what I discovered about my anxiety.  We can think of it a bit like taking a look under a really interesting-looking rock and checking out what’s living there.  I pray that what I uncover will be of some help to you, even though what I’ve found under my “rock” and what you find under yours could be quite different. 

From a young age, I have loved achievement; the feeling of doing well. I’ve loved being a part of something special where I can make a difference (especially serving in the church). Consistency and keeping commitments have been important values in my life.  In my early adulthood, I struggled with setting (and keeping) boundaries. I was a classic people-pleaser.  I pushed myself to do many things that were out of my comfort zone (probably many things that were my idea rather than God’s). There never seemed to be enough hours in the day to accomplish all I wanted to do or the energy to reach the standard I wanted to reach. My mind raced around and around like a treadmill that was constantly thinking about what I would do next. This went on for years – I wrestled more and more with feelings of burnout, strived some more, and wrestled some more. When I reached the lowest point of burnout I knew that I needed to do something. My first step was to stop everything and focus on my relationship with God, then to begin to “look under the rock”, with Him – get to the root causes of the anxiety I had been battling with for so long. 

Some years ago, my husband bought a second hand car, which was problem-free for a little while. Then the issues began – there were the smaller ones which were easy to fix, but then a major warning sign came when the tail pipe began to emit black smoke! Upon close inspection, our mechanic was able to see what was really going on and recommend complete engine and radiator replacement. All the evidence pointed to the fact that previous owner had been quite neglectful in servicing the car and had gone high on the revs too many times. The poor car was really sick and had probably been in a sad state for a while. Like the car, I’d been spiritually unhealthy for some time. I needed more than a “tank of fuel” and more than a “quick service”. I needed to go to the best mechanic, my Lord, to rebuild what drives me and restore my faith.

I am so thankful that, in the low state I was in, I decided to go to Jesus. (I must admit that sometimes I was tempted to give up and walk away.) Somehow, I had enough faith to know that Jesus was a healer. I also became quite desperate to experience His closeness again.  Matt Redman’s song The Heart of Worship begins, “when the music fades, all is stripped away and I simply come.” Those precious lyrics aptly describe what this healing season was like for me. I began to hand over to my Lord the heavy mental load that had built up. I began to feel the relief and sense the tangible presence of God in my heart again, as He began to gently expose the errors in my thinking.

So what really was under MY “anxiety rock”? Firstly, the it was the continual seeking of contentment in the wrong place. I always had to be  doing something or achieving something and my whole sense of self was hanging way too heavily on this. As a believer, I knew about many spiritual blessings and promises (like being a new creation, being accepted; a child of God and so on), yet I lived in a constant state of anxiety and over-striving, rather than being at peace.  I was trying to be someone more instead of resting in what He had already done and given me. 

Recognising the problem was just part of the process – I needed constant help and reminders – it was a real battle at first, learning to slow down my busy mind and off-load to God. I would tell myself to stop, confessing to the Lord that I had once again let my thoughts take over and old habits return. I went through the process of surrendering my mind and will to Him over and over again. My prayer life developed into an almost continual conversation. I read God’s word and books by Christian writers that were geared toward spiritual growth. Little by little, my anxious thinking began to change and I began to experience a real sense of joy and freedom! 

The Lord is so faithful – how amazing that He would walk with me through our issues and shortcomings so patiently! I believe that we all go through times where we need God to restore us or change our thinking in some way. Like the mechanic did with Tim’s car, sometimes we need major work done. But we need to be patient with ourselves because change takes time. God is patient with US, after all.  We have His word and His spirit to teach us how to change unhealthy thought patterns. These, combined with the faith we bring to the table, are incredibly invaluable! 

An important thing to do if we want to get serious about living free of this over-striving from of anxiety, is to ask ourselves where we are looking for our source of contentment. What are we pursuing the most? Is there anything that we have been pursuing to an obsessive level? (Maybe others have said this to us even if we disagree!) Where are we looking to build our identity and self-worth?

Jesus invites us to go to Him as our source of contentment. We can rest and trust in His love, and as we take up this precious invitation, He patiently teaches us how to navigate the stresses and worries of this life.  Unlike anyone else on this earth, He is willing and able to take ALL our heavy mental baggage onto His capable shoulders.  Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  

Are you at peace with your life or is something lurking under your “rock” that you need to figure out, with God? Have you fallen into the rut of striving to be someone more? 

Prayer

Lord Jesus, thankyou for inviting us to come and receive rest for our souls. Thankyou for your patience, your gentleness and understanding. Speak to our anxious thoughts and reveal our anxious ways. Reveal our inner motives that are wrong and unhealthy. Set us free from all that binds us or keeps us from knowing your rest and peace and help us to hand over all our heavy baggage to You, again and again. Thankyou for accepting us, warts-and-all and dying for us. You are forever our source of hope and peace.

In Jesus’ name we pray, Amen.

In Part 2 we will continue to explore LIVING UNDER ANXIETY and explore some of the deeper work Jesus does in our hearts and minds.